Dear Dogs

Dear Jacey, Lily, and Moose,

I know we’ve had this conversation before and it’s obvious to me that you did not absorb the information I have attempted to communicate in the past. First of all, please learn English, learn how to read, and get a device that will connect to the web to read this post. God knows there’s enough equipment laying around the house that you could use, even without opposable thumbs.

The mailman drives by our house twice every day except for Sunday and government holidays. I expect you to recognize him as a non-threat after – how long has it been? 5 years? more? – and yet you continue to bark at him like he’s going to hop the curb and crash his little truck into the house. That goes for the FedEx guy and the UPS guy too, even though I suspect they’re often exceeding the speed limit as they careen down the street.

In addition, please stop barking and charging the door every time the doorbell rings. You guys should be smart enough to bark only after you figure out whether or not it’s someone we know. A sure sign of this is when I say “It’s okay! It’s ____!” Door-to-door salespeople are definitely bark-worthy, but not if they’re Brownies or Girl Scouts. We all get excited when the doorbell rings; all I’m asking is for a silent charge to the door.

And while I’m pretending you understand what the hell I’m saying and might actually comply (would a sticker chart help?), could whoever’s been marking Ethan’s room and the basement please stop? You should have gotten the message after we gave all 3 of you dirty looks while spraying Nature’s Miracle everywhere. But no, we had to pull out (and actually use!) the carpet cleaner. I even spent money on some dog repellent stuff that obviously doesn’t work. So, let me say plainly: please urinate outside only. We all know who’s house this is, but you don’t see me peeing on the carpet, do you?

With love and treats for good dogs,

M